I feel like everytime I try to do something for myself for the better it fucking turns to shit. Why? Why IA it that I can help others but not myself, why? What the fuck man, by trying to be honest and truthful to myself as to not lead me astray; life says no. If I have to cut everyone off to even get an ounce, then so be it.
Why? Why can't I have a change for once, I never wanted to force anything, never to be leader. Not yet, but learn about what it takes to be one not be cast into a role meant for a wiser man. But living it has opened my eyes to what others can't see, people do look up to me and see me for what I can't yet. I try to make sense of it all only for it to avoid my grasp. I don't believe I'm worthy of anything unless I have respect for it. Why else do manners and respect exist? If your reading this and following along then I will say this about myself, I'm running from a past that is apart of me and I of it. I'm trying to understand what I am and who I am as a person. Yes I may look down upon myself, yes I may hate myself, and yes I want to be better.
People wonder why I look angry, sad, have a negative attitude, or have so much hate. I was wronged in the worst way, and have lost so much, both in such a short time period when I was younger which impacted me in such a way most people don't bother to get to know me. All I ever want to open up but its difficult to trust. In the last couple of years I have learned to be more open and I'm getting better at talking my issuses out, improving myself as to respect myself. "Know thy self"
